Outlander (2008)

Vikings vs. Aliens vs. Disappointment

Let's be clear about this: As concepts go, Vikings vs. Aliens is indisputably the finest idea in cinematic history. How could such a perfect storm of genre-mashing possibly fail?

Well, let's start with the limp and creaking script; barely functioning to join the dots of the minimal story it offers us zero characterization, even less wit, great black holes of logic or just plain common-sense, and has everyone talking in a steadfastly modern parlance that might be anachronistic if only it could summon the energy.

Then there is the acting: Nary a flicker of emotion to be had from among any of the weary looking cast. Everyone speaks earnestly about something, but it might as well be directions to the bus stop for all the meaning that is imparted. Jack Huston as Wulfric in particular seems to have been shipped in as part of the set and accidently given a speaking role instead of "door frame no.7" as was clearly marked on the box. John Hurt however is an old hand at giving weight to grizzled royal pronouncements, but even he seems to be out to lunch for most of this one.

The effects are very much in the modern b-movie-cheap-CGI mould. Things are kept dark and mostly indistinguishable for much of the running time, with good reason, as when the monster is fully revealed in the light of day it comes across as a flat cartoon mash-up of bits of The Host and Godzilla, with none of the sense of weight or menace of either.

The story is essentially Beowulf, with a bit of Predator thrown in to the mix. But it totally misses the brooding atmosphere of the former and the outlandish fun of the latter. It has no memorable characters or frightening monsters. It is neither funny, nor scary, nor exciting. Nor for that matter is any of it even slightly original. When it's not stealing plot points from the above, it's playing out familiar scenes nabbed from The Descent, Reign of Fire, War of the Worlds and most criminally, several shot-for-shot sequences stolen wholesale from the excellent Disney fantasy Dragonslayer.

The film has just two moments where it momentarily threatens to spark in to life. The first is the apparently welcome entrance, half an hour into the proceedings, of the wonderful Ron Pearlman, who arrives by crushing someone's head between two massive war hammers. He then gets to make one brief speech which alludes to intriguing events which are never referred to again and then exits the film five minutes later to zero effect. The second is when the nominal hero of the piece (Jim Caviezel, scowling in neutral throughout) gets to explain his back story with the monster to the proto-feminist heroine (Sophia Myles), and of course, us. He words his story in ways that her native people might understand, but we the audience get to see through his memories scenes of intergalactic genocide that put a modern and more sympathetic spin on the monster's plight. While hardly Kieslowski, this is a momentarily interesting concept, which is also then promptly abandoned for the remainder of the film.

All of this might still be forgivable if the movie actually had a sense of fun, but it is a long, flat and dreary stumble through deeply familiar territory to an underwhelming finale. Some stuff just happens, people speak just enough to direct us to the next scene, some more stuff happens and two hours later it ends, finally. 

Rating: 2/5